Choosing a Donor
The following article was written by Penny Donnelly, a Marriage and Family therapist and the Coordinator of Stanford Hospital’s Infertility Support Program. Ms. Donnelly can be reached at Stanford at 650-723-6408 or at her private practice at 650-879-1446; or by email at PennyDonnelly@stanfordmed.org.
Selecting an egg donor, for most people can be a confusing and challenging aspect of treatment. It symbolizes the final step of giving up one’s genetics and the acceptance of family building without the mother’s genes. For many, this task is associated with loss and disappointment on one hand, but opportunity and hope on the other. The criteria that couples use to select a donor who meets their needs and desires, varies depending on several different factors.
Perhaps one of the most important things to keep in mind is that this is a personal journey. What may be a wonderful donor for one couple and an unsatisfactory one for another, depends on characteristics that reflects health requirements, physical appearances, and values of the recipients. Since most couples choosing a donor have met with several disappointments from unsuccessful cycles trying to have a child together, keeping the age of the donor in mind is most important. As women age, so do their eggs, and this applies to the donor as well. Prime fertility for most women is from ages 15-25, so selecting a donor that is younger helps to ensure the best possibility of success. Also, a “proven” donor, one that has either donated before or has had a child herself, can be an additional comfort from the stand point that her fertility has been previously demonstrated, or that she has already gone through a cycle and the amount of gonadatropins necessary for stimulation has already been determined.
Standard practice insures that the donor’s health has been carefully been scrutinized prior to being selected for a “donor pool”. Most clinics automatically screen for drug use or certain inheritable conditions that can be identified by simple blood tests. In reality, the donor’s health history depends on the donor honestly and correctly recording her information. Remember, there is no such thing as a “perfect” candidate, one without any family history of medical problems that may or may not be inheritable. When selecting a donor, it can be helpful to balance the father’s genetics and health issues with that of the donor’s. For example, if cardiac or addiction problems run on the intended fathers side of the family, it may be wise to select a donor without a family history of these conditions.
Finding a donor that appears to be balanced can also be desirable. A donor who does well in math as well as plays the piano may suggest an individual that is well rounded. Also, a candidate who has carefully filled out the profile may indicate a personality style that pays attention to detail, an important characteristic when mixing the many injections and following the detailed directions necessary for the cycle.
Some couple’s opt for characteristics that closely resemble the recipient’s physical or emotional traits. Even though we have evidence that some personality styles are partially due to heredity, most agree that the influence of the family is monumental in raising a happy and healthy child. Most young children are very bonded to their mother, and the care and love that she provides most certainly is reflected in the child’s personality. Another factor that couples may take into consideration when selecting a donor is to consider characteristics that are very strong in the father’s makeup. For instance, if the father is extremely bright, perhaps a donor with average IQ or education may be acceptable, given other desired characteristics a donor may possess, such as a close physical resemblance to the mother.
Finding a donor that looks reasonably like the intended mother is something many couples consider a priority. A child whose physical characteristics blends with the family may be advantageous in that by doing so, family, friends, and strangers are less likely to remark on whether he/she was adopted, or ask unsolicited questions about how the child was conceived. Most couples that have been successful in having a child via ovum donation, for their sake, as well as their child’s, prefer to minimize reference to this after the child has been born. For this reason as well, selected disclosure to others about the use of ovum donation has been demonstrated in retrospective studies to be an important consideration.
It is important for recipient couples to also value and trust their intuitive sense about a donor. Frequently donors are, at least partially, selected based on intangible reasons. Recipients often will refer to the donor’s kind spirit or enthusiasm for life as a determining factor in their choice. One woman stated, “I wanted to find a donor that I would choose for a daughter”. These rationales are all valid and, in some ways, make the journey of selecting a donor less scientific or clinical.
Many couples express a huge sense of relief after finding a donor. The process itself, although difficult, can in many respects be healing. It also marks the beginning of a new and fresh opportunity, generally with much greater odds of success, for conceiving and finally having the child so desperately wanted.
Finally, a word about donors. Most women that come forward to donate their eggs are kind, attractive, compassionate, and intelligent. They have a spirit for helping others, and in most instances, are truly remarkable. Most recipient couples experience an overwhelming sense of compassion and gratitude to their donor. There are few journeys in life fraught with such desire and emotion that can be so beautifully resolved from the help of another.
Perhaps the last, but certainly not the least, decision to be made when selecting a donor is to determine, in advance, what type of ongoing relationship the recipient couple would like to have for future contact. For couples that plan on disclosing to their child(ren) their full genetic heritage, an option for the child to meet the donor can often fill in the gaps, demystify the person with whom he/she shares a genetic connection, and satisfy any questions that the child(ren) may desire to know about his/her origins.
Many donors, quite honestly, are not sure how they feel about future contact. They are young, frequently single, and may even feel uncomfortable with the idea of meeting a “genetic offspring”. Should a meeting with the donor not be possible, it makes sense for recipient couples to maintain information on the donor’s profile so that, if the parents so choose, they have some information that they can share. Certainly, in some instances parents opt for non-disclosure. In such cases, having an available avenue to reach the donor in the event of a medical necessity becomes the sole reason for any possible future contact.
All this information about decisions and choices to be made can be overwhelming. Keep in mind that the vast majority of couples are overjoyed with the child that they bring into this world. Many describe what they believe to be a somewhat cosmic or divine intervention that blessed them with their new family. The contribution of the donor is a remarkable act of good will. The experience of pregnancy, giving birth, and most of all, raising a child from a seed to become a responsible, happy, and well adjusted person is perhaps one of the most glorious, challenging and heartfelt journeys of a life time.
